Forgive O Lord My Transgressions

So this past Friday the 21^st of August was the home visit/interview by the Deaconate office of me and the family. The interview went well; all the children understood and were supportive of my desire to become a deacon. Angie, my wife, was also quite encouraging and understands the demands that discernment as well as the educational process would place on her and the family.

Everything was going well or so it seemed…

Then we got to the actual application… 27 pages where in answers to deep questions must fit in two or three lines of handwritten text. This is in addition to an essay of my life, from start to present, as well as multiple other documentation needed when submitting said application.  Easy enough…

The death knoll sounded when one reads into what can and cannot be acceptable past behavior and requires Papal dispensation. Which I am told in near impossible to get even if the local Bishop were to apply. I am crushed.

The sins of my past have caught up to me and dealt what seems to be a death blow. Through the sacrament of confession we can reconcile with God and enter back into communion with the church…unless you break Canon Law. That seems to require more; dispensation directly from the Vicar of Christ. I am sad.

I’m trying to maintain a “stiff upper lip” but … I am pissed. Not at the Church but at myself for not walking with Christ for so many years. For living in the world and allowing it to decide for me what is right and wrong; giving me the justification that I needed to sin.

 ABBA!!! I have heard the siren call of the Serpent and laid my head upon Satan’s lap. Forgive me Father for I have sinned, have mercy on me Lord that I may serve and praise you eternally.

A LOVE SONG TO MY BELOVED

What is it to fall in love?  The intensity of which can overwhelm and consume… My desire is to love Him more intimately…without condition, without hesitation, with absolute trust.  I know myself and I know that when consumed with a desire all else is set aside.  So I find myself torn between the needs of this life and the promise of a life with Him. How can I surrender myself completely AND provide for the needs of my family, my work, my obligations.   The answer is obvious yet allusive. Trust! To love Him, is to trust that He will provide….always.

Through your Son Jesus Christ, I pray Father that as you lead me toward a stronger more intimate love for You that you strengthen my trust in You.  Amen

Loreena McKennitt – The dark night of the soul

Upon a darkened night
the flame of love was burning in my breast
And by a lantern bright
I fled my house while all in quiet rest

Shrouded by the night
and by the secret stair I quickly fled
The veil concealed my eyes
while all within lay quiet as the dead

Chorus
Oh night thou was my guide
oh night more loving than the rising sun
Oh night that joined the lover
to the beloved one
transforming each of them into the other

Upon that misty night
in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight
Without a guide or light
than that which burned so deeply in my heart

That fire t’was led me on
and shone more bright than of the midday sun
To where he waited still
it was a place where no one else could come

Chorus

Within my pounding heart
which kept itself entirely for him
He fell into his sleep
beneath the cedars all my love I gave
And by the fortress walls
the wind would brush his hair against his brow
And with its smoothest hand
caressed my every sense it would allow

Chorus

I lost myself to him
and laid my face upon my lovers breast
And care and grief grew dim
as in the mornings mist became the light
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

Saint Josemaría Escrivá,

Today I was led to Saint Josemaría Escrivá, founder Opus Dei. I don’t know anything about him or his work. But after watching some video taped during Q&A sessions I find the message to be strengthening. I’ve included such a Q&A to share. My intention is seek out some of his writings and by the grace of God … learn.

This particular video stikes me because he speaks of the Holy Mass and how the celebrant is not himself but Christ at that moment. I learned this as a small boy reminded of it during my renewal in the Neocatechumenal Way and reninforced daily while assisting at Sacrifice of Calvary.