You Just Never Know….

Last night I went to the local watering hole with my eldest son to shoot some pool and share a pitcher. After about an hour a man came over introduced himself and asked “you go to my church, St Charles, don’t you”. I, of course admitted my involvement and he continued with how I shouldn’t worry because even “Jesus drank wine”. He went back to sit with his companion continuing to chit-chat.

As I have been thinking this encounter over I realized the great responsibility that we as Catholics have in our responsibility to evangelize. This mission lies not only in the sharing of the Word of God but just as importantly it lies in how we conduct ourselves in public. Our life, our reverence, our faith does not end when we leave church on Sunday but in actuality begins. When we profess our Catholic faith, when we publically proclaim Jesus Christ as Savior through the one true church of God others will judge our sincerity not on what comes from our mouth but from our actions. If we are hypocritical in the faith then how can we expect others to see Christ in us? If we pick and choose only those rules of conduct that is acceptable to us, like a cafeteria, then how can we be surprised when someone else does the same?

Going out with my son and having a few beers was not wrong. But going out and acting a fool is and by the grace of God I didn’t. I was not pious or holy but nothing vulgar escaped my lips nor did I consume too much of fermented barley. Drinking too much is the way of Satan because it is when we are weak and out of control that he strikes and leads us to many unholy activities and thoughts. I should know…I have history.

So I say be careful how we act in public because “you just never know who is watching”. But to take this a step further or maybe I should say to back this up. Our conduct should also reflect our faith not only in public but at home behind closed doors. Because it is our Christian based conduct that will most affect our children and our families. For example in my family my mother in law is Catholic but married to a Jehovah Witness. Now she does not follow her faith nor does she project any semblance of Catholicism and he also does not project any form of Christianity. But they know that my wife and I do and that we strive to live Christian lives. So at the minute that I or my wife or my children fail they immediately suggest that we are hypocritical. Sometimes directly and other times indirectly but regardless they notice. Or when my wife and I quarrel in front of the children is bad. But when we quarrel and not show the act of Christian love through forgiveness and reconciliation then the children have conflicting messages. There are many examples but I hope you get the point. Acts of love and charity and self constraint should not be limited to inside of a church but in fact should be open for all to see.

So again I say “Put on the full armour of God” so that we may always act in a manner pleasing to God because you just never know who is watching and you never know when you might be used by our Lord to bring another into the fold.

Ephesians 6: 11-17

Shema Israel, Adonai Elohenu, Adonai Ehad….

New Jerusalem Bible Deut. 6: 4-9

“Yahweh our God is the one, the only Yahweh. You must love Yahweh your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength. Let the words I enjoin on you today stay in your heart. You shall tell them to your children, and keep on telling them, when you are sitting at home, when you are out and about, when you are lying down and when you are standing up; you must fasten them on your hand as a sign and on your forehead as a headband; you must write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

 New Jerusalem Bible Matt. 22: 37-39

“Jesus said to him, You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second resembles it: You must love your neighbour as yourself.”

 SHEMA ISRAEL, ADONAI ELOHENU…ADONAI EHAD

(Listen Israel! The Lord is our God, The Lord is one.)

 Today I woke up with these words ringing in my ear. At Mass this morning as I knelt at the foot of the Cross serving Him at the altar all I could hear and say was “Adonai Elohenu, Adonai Ehad. And through out this day this was on my lips.

Tonight I read the scripture passage from Deut. 6: 4-25 and I see how God has taken me out of slavery, out of sin and placed me at the foot of His cross. I see the Lord in His mercy, has blessed me with many wonderful gifts. How like a father He continues to care for me, to provide for me; to love me in spite of my weakness. Every situation that He places me in is designed purely to bring me closer to Him, to learn to embrace His plan for me and not push my own agenda. Everyday I pray for conversion and everyday He challenges me to both accept and love the other in the dimension of the cross just as they are, not to desire them to be what I think they should be. Jesus gave His life for this. Because of His love for the other, even those that tortured and crucified Him…He loved. This is to love in the dimension of the cross.

 My Prayer… “Lord, I bless you and thank you for the love and mercy that you show in my life. I thank you for my situation and ask you Father for my vocation as a father and husband. I ask for conversion that you continue guiding me closer to you. Amen”

 

This song is sung during the Passover in the Neocatechumenal Way.

Words of this song…

 

Listen Israel, The Lord is our God, The Lord is one.

You shall love the Lord your God

with all your heart

with all your mind

with all your strength.

 

You shall fasten these my words

on your wrist as a sign

as a band round your forehead

on the door of your house

and on your gates.

 

Instill them into your children Israel

resting in your house

walking abroad

when you go to bed and when you rise.

 

This is the first commandment of life.

The second is like thee first:

Love your neighbor as yourself

Do this and you will live forever.

 

SHEMA ISRAEL

Last night I had a dream…Father Loren would say, “You and Martin Luther King”…. funny guy!

I find that lately I have been having dreams that have caused me to awaken in prayer. Usually a little something like, “Lord Jesus Christ, son of David have mercy on me, a sinner”… this is different for me. I am not someone that you would look at and say, “There is a prayerful man”, in fact maybe to the contrary.

But last nights dream stands out for me because of the content. From what I can remember I found myself at the bedside of the Pope, no name or identifying marks, just the Pope of the Catholic Church and he was dying, but before he died he gave me absolution and a rosary. The rosary was white, like ivory, with large beads that were inscribed with letters or symbols. Of these symbols the only ones I recognized are the “Α & Ω “ Alpha & Omega.  Then I was received by a beautiful woman in a different location also at bedside, dying and she gave me a radiant blue crystal rosary. The beads were a light, almost translucent blue but very bright. I put a rosary in each pocket one on my left and one on my right….here is where I woke up praying, “Lord Jesus Christ, son of David have mercy on me a sinner”

Weird huh? I have never dreamed like this in the past nor have I ever awakened in prayer before other than as a child begging for the boogie man to leave me be. But like I said over the last week or so …

For me, the road to conversion is riddled with small sharp painful stones.  Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner … Amen.

Psalms
Chapter 102

1

¹ The prayer of one afflicted and wasting away whose anguish is poured out before the LORD.

2

LORD, hear my prayer; let my cry come to you.

3

Do not hide your face from me now that I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly.

4

For my days vanish like smoke; my bones burn away as in a furnace.

5

I am withered, dried up like grass, too wasted to eat my food.

6

From my loud groaning I become just skin and bones.

7

I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins.

8

I lie awake and moan, like a lone sparrow on the roof.

9

² All day long my enemies taunt me; in their rage, they make my name a curse.

10

I eat ashes like bread, mingle my drink with tears.

11

Because of your furious wrath, you lifted me up just to cast me down.

12

My days are like a lengthening shadow; I wither like the grass.

13

But you, LORD, are enthroned forever; your renown is for all generations.

14

You will again show mercy to Zion; now is the time for pity; the appointed time has come.

15

Its stones are dear to your servants; its dust moves them to pity.

16

The nations shall revere your name, LORD, all the kings of the earth, your glory,

17

Once the LORD has rebuilt Zion and appeared in glory,

18

Heeding the plea of the lowly, not scorning their prayer.

19

Let this be written for the next generation, for a people not yet born, that they may praise the LORD:

20

³ “The LORD looked down from the holy heights, viewed the earth from heaven,

21

To attend to the groaning of the prisoners, to release those doomed to die.”

22

Then the LORD’S name will be declared on Zion, the praise of God in Jerusalem,

23

When all peoples and kingdoms gather to worship the LORD.

24

God has shattered my strength in mid-course, has cut short my days.

25

⁴ I plead, O my God, do not take me in the midst of my days. Your years last through all generations.

26

Of old you laid the earth’s foundations; the heavens are the work of your hands.

27

They perish, but you remain; they all wear out like a garment; Like clothing you change them and they are changed,

28

but you are the same, your years have no end.

29

May the children of your servants live on; may their descendants live in your presence.

Forgive O Lord My Transgressions

So this past Friday the 21^st of August was the home visit/interview by the Deaconate office of me and the family. The interview went well; all the children understood and were supportive of my desire to become a deacon. Angie, my wife, was also quite encouraging and understands the demands that discernment as well as the educational process would place on her and the family.

Everything was going well or so it seemed…

Then we got to the actual application… 27 pages where in answers to deep questions must fit in two or three lines of handwritten text. This is in addition to an essay of my life, from start to present, as well as multiple other documentation needed when submitting said application.  Easy enough…

The death knoll sounded when one reads into what can and cannot be acceptable past behavior and requires Papal dispensation. Which I am told in near impossible to get even if the local Bishop were to apply. I am crushed.

The sins of my past have caught up to me and dealt what seems to be a death blow. Through the sacrament of confession we can reconcile with God and enter back into communion with the church…unless you break Canon Law. That seems to require more; dispensation directly from the Vicar of Christ. I am sad.

I’m trying to maintain a “stiff upper lip” but … I am pissed. Not at the Church but at myself for not walking with Christ for so many years. For living in the world and allowing it to decide for me what is right and wrong; giving me the justification that I needed to sin.

 ABBA!!! I have heard the siren call of the Serpent and laid my head upon Satan’s lap. Forgive me Father for I have sinned, have mercy on me Lord that I may serve and praise you eternally.

A LOVE SONG TO MY BELOVED

What is it to fall in love?  The intensity of which can overwhelm and consume… My desire is to love Him more intimately…without condition, without hesitation, with absolute trust.  I know myself and I know that when consumed with a desire all else is set aside.  So I find myself torn between the needs of this life and the promise of a life with Him. How can I surrender myself completely AND provide for the needs of my family, my work, my obligations.   The answer is obvious yet allusive. Trust! To love Him, is to trust that He will provide….always.

Through your Son Jesus Christ, I pray Father that as you lead me toward a stronger more intimate love for You that you strengthen my trust in You.  Amen

Loreena McKennitt – The dark night of the soul

Upon a darkened night
the flame of love was burning in my breast
And by a lantern bright
I fled my house while all in quiet rest

Shrouded by the night
and by the secret stair I quickly fled
The veil concealed my eyes
while all within lay quiet as the dead

Chorus
Oh night thou was my guide
oh night more loving than the rising sun
Oh night that joined the lover
to the beloved one
transforming each of them into the other

Upon that misty night
in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight
Without a guide or light
than that which burned so deeply in my heart

That fire t’was led me on
and shone more bright than of the midday sun
To where he waited still
it was a place where no one else could come

Chorus

Within my pounding heart
which kept itself entirely for him
He fell into his sleep
beneath the cedars all my love I gave
And by the fortress walls
the wind would brush his hair against his brow
And with its smoothest hand
caressed my every sense it would allow

Chorus

I lost myself to him
and laid my face upon my lovers breast
And care and grief grew dim
as in the mornings mist became the light
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

ADORATION

While working this afternoon I had an incredible urge to Worship my God and Father.  My chest feels filled with love and adoration for Him who loves me unconditionally.

May He continue to have mercy on me and lead me to conversion. Amen

One of the five beautiful hymns St. Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274) composed in honor of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament at Pope Urban IV’s (1261-1264) request when the Pope first established the Feast of Corpus Christi in 1264. The hymn is found in the Roman Missal as a prayer of thanksgiving after Mass. A partial indulgence is granted to the faithful who devoutly recite this hymn.

ADORO te devote, latens Deitas, quae sub his figuris vere latitas: tibi se cor meum totum subiicit, quia te contemplans totum deficit.	HIDDEN God, devoutly I adore Thee, truly present underneath these veils: all my heart subdues itself before Thee, since it all before Thee faints and fails.
Visus, tactus, gustus in te fallitur, sed auditu solo tuto creditur; credo quidquid dixit Dei Filius: nil hoc verbo Veritatis verius.	Not to sight, or taste, or touch be credit hearing only do we trust secure; I believe, for God the Son has said it- Word of truth that ever shall endure.
In cruce latebat sola Deitas, at hic latet simul et humanitas; ambo tamen credens atque confitens, peto quod petivit latro paenitens.	On the cross was veiled Thy Godhead’s splendor, here Thy manhood lies hidden too; unto both alike my faith I render, and, as sued the contrite thief, I sue.
Plagas, sicut Thomas, non intueor; Deum tamen meum te confiteor; fac me tibi semper magis credere, in te spem habere, te diligere.	Though I look not on Thy wounds with Thomas, Thee, my Lord, and Thee, my God, I call: make me more and more believe Thy promise, hope in Thee, and love Thee over all.
O memoriale mortis Domini! panis vivus, vitam praestans homini! praesta meae menti de te vivere et te illi semper dulce sapere.	O memorial of my Savior dying, Living Bread, that gives life to man; make my soul, its life from Thee supplying, taste Thy sweetness, as on earth it can.
Pie pellicane, Iesu Domine, me immundum munda tuo sanguine; cuius una stilla salvum facere totum mundum quit ab omni scelere.	Deign, O Jesus, Pelican of heaven, me, a sinner, in Thy Blood to lave, to a single drop of which is given all the world from all its sin to save.
Iesu, quem velatum nunc aspicio, oro fiat illud quod tam sitio; ut te revelata cernens facie, visu sim beatus tuae gloriae. Amen.	Contemplating, Lord, Thy hidden presence, grant me what I thirst for and implore, in the revelation of Thy essence to behold Thy glory evermore. Amen.

The meaning of faith …

    The meaning of faith “is to accept Gods’ will in your life” these words stood out for me in today’s homily. This is what I pray for daily…that the Lord will give me the grace to accept whatever He places in front of me and my family.

    11 years ago my wife and I lost our first home to foreclosure. Many things led up to that point but more than anything it was my lack of faith. I did not know God, I did not trust God, I did not believe. I have no idea when but sometime in my past, after I wasn’t an altar boy anymore, after I wasn’t attending catholic school, after my grandmother died in 1979 I became anti God, angry at Him for the life He had given me. But on December 25^th, 1997 He called me back to Him through a series of events, one of which was the pending foreclosure, another was the potential re-baptism of my mother into the JW religion, the death of one brother and the murder of another, finding myself at these secular funerals without a Word for or from anyone, another was the utter and complete loss of control that I felt in my heart over my marriage. These events were heavy as I came to the realization that I had finally reached the end of my supposed ability to “run” my life. I gave up the fight and begged the only Father I had ever known to forgive me and to help me.

   I remember being on my knees in our bedroom when no-one was home one day and just letting loose. Words of anger and frustration spewed out at Him. This was followed by feelings of remorse and unworthiness of His help because I had abandoned Him not He I.  Crying with intensity as I rattled off my sinfulness (as if He didn’t already know) begging that He should over look these and help me anyway; promising those promises that one makes when hanging from a branch on the side of a cliff begging for help. He did…

   Things worked out we found a home to rent, my mother did not run off with the JWs. But more importantly my family and I found us at midnight Mass 1997 after years of self imposed exile. From this He led us to the Neocatechumenal Way where I learned the idea of loving the other in the dimension of the cross, to see that the Lord always provides and that He has a plan for me, asking only to accept His will in my life.

   Today I face again the possibility of foreclosure but with out the anxiety or anguish that I felt before. Today I am looking at the diaconate with anticipation and hope. Today I find myself blessed with 6 children and a faithful wife. Today I find the church is not somewhere I go once a week but a way of life. Today I wonder what He has in store for my future as he works through the circumstance of my life and I pray that I am graced with the ability to accept it with open arms knowing that life’s pain is fleeting but Gods love is eternal.

Saint Josemaría Escrivá,

Today I was led to Saint Josemaría Escrivá, founder Opus Dei. I don’t know anything about him or his work. But after watching some video taped during Q&A sessions I find the message to be strengthening. I’ve included such a Q&A to share. My intention is seek out some of his writings and by the grace of God … learn.

This particular video stikes me because he speaks of the Holy Mass and how the celebrant is not himself but Christ at that moment. I learned this as a small boy reminded of it during my renewal in the Neocatechumenal Way and reninforced daily while assisting at Sacrifice of Calvary.

The Ageless Battle

Last night my wife and I watched “The Devils Tomb”. Not the greatest film in world but since my wife likes horror movies (I really don’t) we did. It was a combination of  demon possession/salvation film that was pretty corny at times. But it did leave me with a reminder that a battle rages between Heaven and Hell. That with the gift of “free will” we choose our paths…either one designed by God for us or one designed by us for ourselves and as much as the angels are called to fight against the minions of Satan we also are called to stand side by side with those angels to fight the same battle. Our choice…

 I find that I am in constant battle with Satan and that I often lose; choosing comfort over the challenging, personal pleasure and satisfaction over salvation. Why? I don’t know.

Could it be Fear? Pride? Rebellion? Could it be that my love for the Holy Trinity is superficial? No I don’t think so.  Over the years I found that God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit love me unconditionally; as did the father in the parable of the prodigal son. When I stray He patiently awaits my return with open arms and regardless of my sinful nature He never ever abandons me. God for me is permanent, not fleeting. Yes, I have had to “pay the consequence” for my actions but never has the Lord “kicked me to the curb”.  I love Him for this. Thank you Father!

Hello world!

Well this is my first blog ever. I really don’t know how this is going to work for me because I’m really not one to express personal stuff outside the home and some select individuals. But we’ll see.

 Having no idea where to begin I’ll start with where I am right now and see where that takes us. For quite sometime now I have had a nagging feeling to enter the Diaconate program here in Phoenix. I have had this in the past but without any follow through on my part. Often thinking that what I do now for the Church is enough. But as I said over the last couple of years the desire has been growing to the point that I have spoken with my Pastor who submitted a recommendation to the Diocese. My wife is open to the call and has attended an informational presentation with me. We are currently waiting for an in home interview with Deacon Keith and my family. I figure once he gets a hold of my 17 year old daughter I’m done anyway. LOL

 Seriously, here is the issue for me…I do not know WHY. I don’t have these warm and fuzzy feelings; I don’t have any particular ministry in mind. I just feel strongly that this is what I am supposed to do now at this particular stage in my life. When my wife and I went to the informational meeting they placed a few of us at each table along with a current candidate nearing the end of their program. Each of us was asked why you want to be a deacon. Everyone seemed to have an answer tied to a particular ministry … I didn’t. All I could come up with was “because it’s constantly on my mind”.  But what I really wanted to say was “I want to preach…”  I have is a strong desire to announce Jesus Christ. To proclaim the Gospel and share with others how God has worked in my life and I want to do this according to the teachings of His Holy Church.

Thus the birth of this blog.